I feel in my element when extroverted and in action. When I am quiet, and this busy bumble bee doesn’t feel she has to be buzzing, it is very uncomfortable. Is the “doer” in me dying? Will it ever be able to relax in action and silence?
You have raised a significant question. It is meaningful for everybody to understand that modern research into the human mind divides humanity into two parts: the extrovert and the introvert.
The extroverts are the doers, explorers, adventurers – objective, love being in the world; alone, they feel completely lost. The introvert is just the opposite of the extrovert: he feels at ease and relaxed with himself when he is not doing anything – when his eyes are closed, when he is silently drowning into his own interiority.
This division is good as far as it goes, but it goes only to the limits of the mind. You have an extrovert mind, that is why you say, “I feel in my element when extroverted and in action. When I am quiet and when this busy bumble bee does not feel she has to be buzzing, it is very uncomfortable.”
Meditation is a totally different dimension from the mind. The psychologists are very confused about it because they know nothing about meditation; they think the meditator is just another introvert – that is not true. The meditator is one who can be aware of his extrovert mind and also of his introvert mind – aloof, far away on the hills; watching all the games of the mind.
You are too much attached to the extrovert part of your mind – and anybody who is attached to half of the mind is going to be in trouble, because the other half is also there, neglected, repressed, ignored, humiliated. It will take its revenge. And there are many who are introverts. They think they are meditators, but they are not. They have just chosen another part of the mind and have become identified with it. The essential meditator is beyond mind – beyond extroversion and beyond introversion.
So you have to pull yourself out of your obsession with action, with extroversion, because that is being a kind of alcoholic – they call it “workaholic.” If action is there, you are involved in it, and you can forget all about yourself: all your problems and all your anxieties are no longer there – at least not in your consciousness. They are still there; so whenever you find a moment when you are not doing anything – and you cannot continue to do for twenty-four hours a day; you have to relax too, you have to rest too – in those restful moments the repressed and neglected introverted mind tries to possess you.
And into the introverted mind you have thrown all kinds of garbage that you don’t want to be identified with. Your extroverted mind is clean – you think that is you, and the introverted mind is not you, so you can go on throwing all kinds of rubbish into it, but it will surface. Whenever you are resting, it won’t allow you to be at rest, it will make you fidgety.