When I took sannyas two years ago, I felt an ecstasy and joy that I had never imagined possible for me. But lately I feel much negativity, fear, resistance and “no” to everything, and my life is a constant chaos. I cannot go back and I cannot go forwards. Does that mean that the honeymoon is over now?
Baby, the honeymoon has not even started!
First, the honeymoon…and then I will discuss your question.
I have heard a story…. A young man got married. He was known in the university as “a mama’s boy,” and he was. So he inquired of his mother, “I am going on my honeymoon – any advice?”
The mother said, “Don’t miss a single moment, because the honeymoon comes only once in life.”
The boy and his wife went to a resort place, rented the best room in the best hotel. They both were tremendously excited. The girl immediately threw off her clothes and jumped into the bed, but the boy went to the window, sat on the windowsill and looked out.
Seconds passed, minutes passed, half the night passed, and the girl said, “What the hell are you doing there? It is supposed to be our honeymoon.”
He said, “Don’t disturb me. My mother has said, ‘Don’t miss a single moment of it, the honeymoon happens only once in a lifetime.’ You can go to sleep, I will enjoy my honeymoon.” The full moon was in the sky, and he enjoyed the honeymoon!
Our honeymoon was of the same type. Now what you are feeling is your reality.
The day you took sannyas, two-and-a-half years ago, it was just excitement; something new was going to happen. Your heart was throbbing with a hallucinatory idea of sannyas.
You had seen sannyasins dancing, enjoying, blissful, laughing, and you were also becoming part of their laughter, their joy; so you imagined. It was all illusory, it was not a honeymoon.
After two-and-a-half years of hallucinating, waiting, naturally you have come to your reality. All hopes have disappeared. What was so positive has become negative. What was so beautiful is now just a negativity, a despair.
You think the honeymoon is over? The true honeymoon is never over; it only begins and never ends. That which ends is simply hallucination. But still there is time.
The blissfulness is not going to descend upon you from somewhere: you have to go through a transformation. Just taking sannyas does not mean that you are a new being. It simply means a commitment to yourself, a decision that, “I am going to transform myself.” Your red robes, your mala, will remind you continuously of the commitment that you have made to existence, the declaration of transformation, the decision.
Rather than transforming yourself, you started hallucinating, which is very easy for women to do. Now get back to the ground and the reality.