The second question:
Why do I feel hesitation in enjoying anything?
Joy is not allowed; you are preconditioned against joy. From the very childhood you have been taught that if you are happy then something is wrong – unhappy, everything is good. If you are miserable nobody is worried about it, but if you are too happy everybody is worried about you. You must have done something wrong.
Whenever a child is happy the parents start looking for the cause: he must have done some mischief or something. Why is he so happy? The parents are not happy. They have a deep jealousy towards the child because he is happy. They may not be aware of it, but they are jealous. It is easy to tolerate somebody else’s misery, but it is almost impossible to tolerate anybody else’s happiness.
I was reading an anecdote….
A very religious father was bringing up his son as perfectly as possible. One day when they were going to church he gave the boy two coins: one, a one rupee coin; another, a one paisa coin. He also gave him the choice that whatsoever he thought was right he could put in the donation plate in the church. He could choose the rupee or the paisa.
Of course the father believed and hoped that he would put the rupee in the church plate. He had been brought up in such a way – he could be expected to, relied upon.
The father waited. After church he was very curious to know what happened. He asked the boy, “What did you do?”
The boy admitted that he had donated the one paisa coin and kept the rupee for himself.
The father couldn’t believe it. He said, “Why did you do this? We have always been inculcating great principles in you.”
The boy said, “You ask why: I will tell you the reason. The priest in church spoke rightly. In his sermon he said, ‘God loveth a cheerful donator.’ I could donate the one paisa coin cheerfully – not the one rupee!”
God loved the cheerful giver. I am absolutely in agreement with the boy. What you do is not the question; you are religious if you can do it cheerfully. It may be a one paisa coin, it doesn’t matter. It is immaterial because the real coin that you are giving is your cheerfulness.