Abheepsa means when the desire has become your very soul. You cannot drop it, because if you do, you are dropped in it. When it becomes so existential that there is no separation between you and the desire, then desire has tremendous beauty. Then it takes a new dimension…moves into the timeless.
This is going to be your sadhana. Become such an intense desire that the very fire of the desire burns you completely and nothing is left. Right? Good!
Many changes in the last year that I’ve been away, very many. A lot of anger has come up. I’m never quiet inside. There is still some anger that I don’t understand. Something says to be quiet, to shut up. I have a hard time listening to that voice inside saying be quiet – I’m afraid of it.
It has been good. Just don’t repress the anger anymore. Whatsoever is left has to be brought out, because that is the only way to be really quiet.
You can forcibly still yourself but the stillness is false, and sooner or later it will be disturbed, because just underneath it the anger is boiling and waiting for its moment and the opportunity. Then one goes on sitting on a volcano. Everything seems quiet when the volcano is not erupting, is not active, but it is preparing inside.
Some anger has come out, some is still there – and the anger that has come out was superficial. Now the anger that needs to come out is deeper – that’s why it is difficult to understand it. One part of the anger is understandable because it is related to people, to situations. You can understand why you are angry; the why is clear.
But when this layer, this superficial layer of anger is thrown away, then suddenly you come upon a source of anger that is not related to the outside at all, which is simply part of you. Nobody has insulted you, in fact there is no excuse to be angry – and then it is there. It becomes very difficult to understand because you cannot throw the responsibility on anybody else. Now it is something that is within you, that belongs to you.
We have been taught that anger comes only in a certain tense situation. That’s not true. We are born with anger, it is part of us. In certain situations it comes up, in certain other situations it is inactive, but it is there. So one first has to throw the anger that is related, and then one comes on the deeper source of anger that is unrelated to anybody else – that you are born with. It is unaddressed, and that’s the trouble in understanding it.