Often these days I feel as if I am pregnant. It is not a down-pulling burden. It rather feels like a weightless, but expansive something in my belly and my chest. It is a very strange sensation for a man. I am not showing any signs of pregnancy yet – my belly is still flat as usual but now I have exposed myself, and there is no holy ghost to blame and I am certainly not the Virgin Mary.
Osho, what is it that I am pregnant with? Is it you?
Premda, I hope it is me. In fact, every disciple has to come to this stage where he feels almost pregnant with the divine. It is a spiritual pregnancy. But because we are too much identified with the body, it may even seem that the body is also pregnant.
But something is growing within you. It is not part of the body, you need not be a Virgin Mary. And, of course, holy ghosts are not available anymore, only unholy ghosts – there are a few: one lives with Anando; another has been found in the Vipassana go-down. But they are all unholy ghosts, they don’t do holy things. So you need not be worried about them.
Moreover, even the holy ghost has not been able up to now to do a miracle, to make a man pregnant. It would have been more in tune with the Christian ideology if Joseph, rather than Mary, had become pregnant. That would have been a great miracle. A Virgin Mary, a poor girl, becoming pregnant – it is not a great miracle, anybody can do it.
But the disciple certainly passes through a stage of immense value and beauty. And something transcendental, something more than you have ever thought about yourself, something beyond the grasp of your mind, is growing within you. This is the lotus I have been talking to you about. This is the flowering that brings a man or a woman to the ultimate opening towards the unknown, unknowable, inexpressible.
In a way, through this pregnancy, you are born again. You give birth to your own authentic self which has been up to now only a seed. But the seed longs to become a flower. And on the way, you will feel something very similar to pregnancy. You will feel light – you will not be feeling heavy like a pregnant woman – because it is not something material that is growing in you. It is something spiritual, nonmaterial that is opening within you. It will bring you more and more light, make you more and more unfettered, more and more free.
Meditators for centuries have felt that when deep in meditation, they suddenly find as if they have lost all weight, as if gravitation no more functions on them. And in a certain way, it is right. It no more functions on their spiritual being. The spiritual being is not matter. Hence gravitation cannot have any pull on it. And the weight arises because of the gravitation and its pull.
You don’t have weight, not even your body has weight. Weight is a normal name for a scientific fact and the scientific fact is the gravitation force on the earth. You are pulled by that force. It is good for you – otherwise you would become like balloons, moving upwards, and you would not be able to find how to come back down to the earth.