Why do I cling to my misery? Why can I not drop it?
The I, the ego, is not something separate from the misery, that’s why it is absolutely impossible for anyone to drop it. Who is going to drop it? They are not two, the dropper and the dropped.
The ego is nothing but a complex of all your miseries, sufferings, anxieties, anguishes, wounds; your anger, your jealousy, your hate – they are, all together, one complex.
The problem arises because when you start feeling miserable, it is not the whole complex which is feeling miserable – just a part, a fragment, and the remaining whole becomes your I; a false division is created. you want to drop the misery; you think yourself separate from the misery.
The same goes on happening with everything else: you feel anger – then anger is taken as a separate thing from you. Or jealousy…. It never happens that all these things, this whole hell, you want to drop completely.
Why do you want to drop misery in the first place? – because it is unpleasant; you would like to be joyous, blissful. But in the very liking, the very desiring of joy and bliss and happiness, you have created the misery. The desire is the cause of the misery, and the same desire is befooling you – now you want to drop misery. You have created it. You, and only you, are responsible, and still you will go on creating more and more, even while you are thinking of dropping it.
This becomes now a new misery: “I cannot drop my misery.” Do you see the game? You were miserable enough, now you want to drop it. More misery is added. You were angry, now you want to drop anger. You become even more angry because you cannot drop it. You feel trapped.
Your ego, the whole of you, consists of a thousand and one things; hence it becomes possible that you can separate yourself from one thing. Anger, jealousy, misery, hatred, you can separate, but those one thousand things that are now playing the role of being your I are not your I at all. They are part and parcel of the same complex system; they are all interrelated.
If one can be dropped, then the whole can be dropped. But because the whole is trying to drop one, you are in a mess. You cannot figure out what is happening. “I don’t want to be miserable” – still the misery continues. It continues because everything else that supports it, nourishes it, helps it, has become your I. Every time you separate a fragment from yourself, this is going to be the case.