Why can’t I stop eating? …But it’s not the question. But behind that, something else. It sounds ridiculous….
No, don’t judge. If you say ridiculous, you have already condemned it – and that may be part of the problem. That is not the way to get out of any problem. Don’t call things names – try to understand.
If a person is eating more it is a symptom of a certain undercurrent. Food is always a substitute for love. People who don’t love, who somehow miss a life of love, start eating more – it is a love-substitute.
When a child is born, his first love and his first food are the same thing – the mother. So there is a deep association between food and love; in fact food comes first and then love follows. First the child eats the mother, then by and by he becomes aware that the mother is not just food – she loves him too. But of course for that a certain growth is necessary. The first day the child cannot understand love. He understands the language of food, the natural primitive language of all animals. The child is born with hunger; food is needed immediately. Love will not be needed until long after – it is not so much of an emergency. One can live without love one’s whole life, but one cannot live without food – that’s the trouble.
So the child becomes aware of the association of food and love. By and by he feels too, that whenever the mother is very loving, she gives her breast in a different way. When she is not loving, but angry, sad, she gives the breast very reluctantly, or does not give it at all. So the child becomes aware that whenever the mother is loving…whenever food is available, love is available. Whenever food is not available, the child feels love is not available, and vice versa. This is in the unconscious.
Somewhere you are missing a life of love so you eat more – that’s a substitute. You go on filling yourself with food and leave no space inside. So there is no question of love, because there is no space left. And with food, things are simple because food is dead. You can go on eating as much as you want – food cannot say no. If you stop eating, the food cannot say that you are offending it. One remains a master with food.
But in love you are no longer the master. Another being enters into your life, a dependency enters into your life. You are no longer independent, and that’s the fear. Ego wants to be independent and ego won’t allow you to love; it will only allow you to eat more. If you want to love then the ego has to be dropped.