You have taken a wrong route. Awareness is not wrong, but what you think is awareness is not – you are thinking. It is not awareness, because in awareness there is no question of analyzing. Analysis is thinking, and when you analyze you automatically judge – this is good, this is bad, this is normal, that is abnormal. When you go on judging, the head becomes more and more heavy, and then when you want to get rid of it you cannot, because on the whole you want to be self-realized. Nothing is wrong in the search for self-realization, but you have taken some wrong notions about awareness, so first drop it. I will give you something else to do first, and then I will bring you back, once the slate has been cleaned.
In this camp when you do the meditations get completely lost, drunk. Don’t watch – be as if you are not there. When you are dancing, dance as if you are not there. Dance so madly and be so completely absorbed in it that the dancer disappears and there is no watcher, no division. It will take a little time because you have been doing this too much – analyzing and thinking and judging and condemning. But it will come.
I would like to find a partner, but I can’t. I need help.
You cannot find? Just wait a little. First something has to be done to you otherwise the partner will be in trouble! First meditation should be settled, and then love, otherwise love brings so many problems.
One should be happy alone, then only, love is good. If you are not happy alone then love is not going to help. You will destroy love itself.
I am happy sometimes.
So catch the quality of those moments – what is happening that makes you happy – and then let it happen more and more. You will find those moments will be of non-thinking, non-analyzing, non-judgment, non- condemnation – then one is happy.
With your mind you will start analyzing the girl. You will become a psychoanalyst, and the poor girl will suffer. Wait a little.
I thought I’d created a beautiful life for my children to be happy, but my son throws tantrums and says he wants to go home to England. I don’t know if the children are happy. Perhaps I’m forcing them to be, and that’s absurd.
It is always better to listen to their feelings rather than to your ideas of happiness, because nobody can decide for anybody else what is going to be happiness. Sometimes it is very difficult for a mother because she has her notions of what happiness is. The children may not be happy according to you – you will make them unhappy, and then you will be unhappy.
Love them, but don’t force any pattern of happiness on them. Leave them free to find their own happiness and they will always be grateful to you.
But is what they say what they mean?