The first question:
How does it happen that I feel so at home and so lost in this buddhafield?
There is no contradiction in it; it is as it should be. To be lost, utterly lost, is to be at home. Man ordinarily lives as an ego, separate from the whole, like an island, with a definite identity – the name, the form; he is somebody. And our whole life we make every effort to go on defining ourselves – who we are – for the simple reason that we don’t know who we are. So we create an artificial, arbitrary identity. That’s what the ego is.
When you enter into a love relationship with a master – that’s what entering into a buddhafield is – you start losing your old identity, your definition becomes blurred. It was arbitrary anyway. It starts melting; your limits start merging with the unlimited. You are no more somebody; you start becoming a nobody, a nothingness.
Hence the feeling of being lost, because you are missing your old games, trips. You are missing your old miseries, your so-called old pleasures. You are missing all that you had known before as part of your being. A new being is arising, a being which is not isolated from the whole, not encapsulated but one with the whole – a wave which is part of the ocean. It is still a wave, but now a deep understanding is happening that “I am not separate,” that “I need not be worried about myself,” that “I have been before I was born and I will be after I am gone. This being a wave is only a phase, a momentary phenomenon. It is only a question of form. Deep down I am one with the formless ocean. I am oceanic.”
This is the experience that is happening to you; hence you will feel lost – lost if you compare it with your old identity. And the comparison comes naturally because the old is well known. Maybe for many lives you have been decorating it, maintaining it, nourishing it, nurturing it. It is an ancient habit, almost perennial; you have forgotten when it began. It is as old as the creation itself. It has gone very deep – its roots have gone very deep. Now all that is changing. The old is dying, and you are acquainted only with the old, hence you will feel like a death is happening.
But if you look to the new, which is very fresh, just like a breeze, just like a dewdrop, just like a newly opening bud of a rose, very fresh… You are not yet fully aware of it; it is so new, you will need a little time to be introduced to it, to become acquainted with it. But it is happening because both these processes happen simultaneously. The death of the old and the birth of the new are two sides of the same coin.