The gift of being here with you is overshadowed by a sense of unworthiness. It troubles me because I don’t feel as available to you as I could be. Can you help me to dissolve this?
It is something very essential to understand, that people who are really worthy always feel unworthiness, and the people who are really unworthy never feel it. Not feeling it is part of unworthiness; feeling it is part of worthiness.
The question is from Kirtan.
It is good that one feels it, because there are no limits to unworthiness – you can go as high as you desire; it is just like the sky. And to feel it means the ego is dissolving. The ego never feels unworthy; it wants to prove that everybody else is unworthy and only it is worthy. It is humbleness that feels unworthiness and a pain which can give birth to a new life.
So don’t take it as a problem. Accept it as a blessing. Let the ego completely dissolve. It cannot stand the feeling of unworthiness. There are a few things in life which function in a strange way. A real lover never feels that he is loving as much as he should. He is always feeling something more can be done, something better can be done. These feelings are part of real love. And a hypocritical lover always feels that he is the biggest lover in the world. He is fake, he has no love; hence the feeling that more can be done does not arise in him. On the contrary he will try to prove that the other is not loving enough.
Life in one sense is very simple, and in another sense, very complex. Don’t take it at its face value. It is perfectly good to feel unworthy on the way. It will create humbleness, egolessness, gratitude, selflessness. And once you have understood that this feeling of unworthiness is one of the most beautiful gifts of life, once you start enjoying it, then it goes on opening doors of more mysteries. A point comes when you disappear, and with your disappearance unworthiness also disappears, because it cannot hang on without you.
So go on keeping it as a religious phenomenon, as part of your meditation, and it will lead you to the right place, where the last trace of your self disappears. With it, unworthiness also disappears. That does not mean you start feeling worthy; it simply means that worthiness and or unworthiness become irrelevant. You are beyond both.
So what is happening to you is perfectly right. Go deeply into it, and go on rejoicing – not with a sadness, “I am unworthy.” That sadness will prevent…. Not taking it as a problem that has to be solved, no. It has not to be solved, it has to be dissolved, but the dissolution is not in your hands. When it reaches to its ripeness, it dissolves itself. And when one does not think in terms of worth, one becomes part of the vast isness that surrounds one.