The first question:
When such incredible happiness descends, why do I feel so unworthy?
It’s natural, because that which descends has nothing to do with your effort. It is a grace, it is a gift from existence. And the gift is so big, so huge, so enormous…it is natural to be overwhelmed. It is like a flood, as if the ocean has descended into the dewdrop.
How can one feel worthy? You have not earned it. It has nothing to do with your effort, your doing, your practicing. It has simply come to you for no reason at all. Hence one feels dumb, lost, in such an awe that breathing stops, that the heart beats no more. The whole world stops.
Whenever it happens to anybody, the same is the experience – the feeling of great unworthiness. But it is beautiful. It will give you a depth in humbleness; slowly, slowly the ego will be eroded. And sooner or later you will find that with your effort, with your worth, only small things are possible. All great things happen, they cannot be done – and they happen for no reason at all, remember it.
The beauty of the sunset, the song of a bird, a small lonely flower, the moon…there is no reason for it at all. Nobody can answer why it is there: why the rose is so beautiful, and why this existence exists at all, and why the universe moves with such tremendous grace, harmony. There is no reason at all.
Hence I say it is a mystery, and it remains a mystery even for those who have gone deeply into it, who have become dissolved into it. It is never demystified.
But you are fortunate that those moments have started happening. Don’t be shy to receive them, don’t be embarrassed. It is natural in the beginning to feel unworthy. Slowly, slowly that grace will transform you. Those moments will come more and more; they will become natural. They will become a shadow to you: where you will be, they will be there. Waking, asleep, you will find that grace surrounding you. That grace will be without and within. That grace will become a luminous point within your heart, and the flame will go on burning.
But remember, don’t become too much worried about your unworthiness. If you become too much worried about your unworthiness those moments will start disappearing, because your focus has changed. Rather than feeling unworthy and becoming focused on it, feel the compassion of the ultimate and become focused on it. Remember, these are two different gestalts; both are possible.