The first question:
I am confused about which path I am on. Sometimes I feel filled with joy when playing, singing, dancing or fighting with others and I can only see myself by looking at others. At other times I can’t stand to be with anyone or relate at all; I am only happy being completely with myself. When I am with people, I judge that I am escaping my aloneness and when I am with myself, I judge that I am avoiding love.
Isn’t it possible to be on both paths, alternating between them? How can I tell when I am using one to escape the other?
Prem Indivar, there is no goal and no path for people like you, you are just crazy! Buddha is talking about sane people. Buddha is a very rational person: he divides, categorizes. But there is a third category Buddha is not aware of. The Sufis know about the third category; they call them mastas – the mad people.
There is no need for you to alternate, because alternating between one path and the other you will always feel this problem of judgment. When you are on one you will think that you are missing the other, and this will become an unnecessary anguish.
Simply be wherever you are. Enjoy the moment, all the moments – the moments of love and the moments of meditation – and don’t be bothered with the other. In a particular moment, be totally in it. Playing, loving, dancing, singing, forget that there is another path. And while you are feeling silent, still, alone, and enjoying your aloneness, forget that there is any path called love.
It is not a question of consciously alternating between the two; otherwise you will become divided, schizophrenic, and to be schizophrenic is to fall below normal sanity. Mastas, the really mad people, don’t fall below sanity, they go above it, they transcend it. Both look mad; both are no longer in the world of reason: one has fallen below it, one has gone above it. In a sense they are alike and in a sense they are absolutely different.
Indivar, you are a masta. Rejoice in being whatsoever you are. And what is happening to you is the best that can happen to a man. It is just natural for you to be sometimes with others and enjoying their company, and sometimes to be with yourself and enjoying your own company. It is like day and night for you. You need not choose: the day is followed by the night on its own accord. It is like summer and winter. It is not a question of choice on your part; it is something spontaneous and natural that is happening to you. I am tremendously happy with you; so simply be as you are, drop this judgment.