The first question:
Listening to you morning after morning, I feel oversaturated with the thought of needing to look inwards and see. In fact I feel like a dog chasing his own tail: the harder he tries, the less he has a chance of success. But giving up trying has not helped much either, because being more alert and aware is turning out to be another subtle doing, and I am back in the same rut.
This is good, that you are becoming aware that neither doing can help nor nondoing, because your nondoing is a subtle doing. With this awareness a new door will open any day, any moment. When you neither do nor not-do, when you are simply there, when you are a being – not a doer or a nondoer, because a nondoer is also a doer – the duality disappears. Then suddenly you find you have always been in the home, you have never left it – you had never gone out anywhere else. Then the dog realizes there is no need to chase the tail, the tail belongs to him already. There is no need to chase the tail because the tail follows the dog already. But one has to do to reach to nondoing. Then one has to do the nondoing to reach being. And everything helps. Even failures, frustrations – everything helps. Finally, when you reach, you understand that everything helped – going astray, falling into old ruts and traps – everything helped; nothing goes useless. And everything becomes a step to another.
Just yesterday I was reading an article from Swami Agehananda Bharti. He relates that once he asked Ravishankar how well George Harrison plays the sitar. Ravishankar thought for a while and then said, “Well, he holds it alright.” But that too is a great beginning. If you want to learn to play sitar, holding the sitar absolutely as it should be is a good beginning; it is already something. So don’t laugh. Ravishankar has appreciated George Harrison, that he holds it well.
First you will become a doer. Do it well, that’s the whole thing. If you don’t do it well you will have to come back again and again, because nothing can be left incomplete; it has to be completed. In fact you have to be frustrated so totally that you never come back to doing again. Then do the nondoing, and do it so totally that that too is finished. And then there is no way to go back. You cannot fall back if everything has been complete; only incomplete experiences go on calling you back.
Incomplete experiences have a magnetic force in them; they demand fulfillment. That’s why you again and again fall in the rut. You move immaturely. One experience has not ripened – intellectually you start understanding it but not totally – and you move. That won’t help. Your whole being should understand it that “this is futile.” Not because I say – that is not going to help – but because your whole being says, “This is futile. What are you doing? It is nonsense.”