Meditate, look at all the possible aspects, all the possible meanings, and you will be surprised. When you are able to see the consistency, the intrinsic consistency, when you are able to go beyond the contradiction, it will be a moment of great insight. It will fill you with light; it will make you delighted, because it is a discovery, and each discovery helps growth.
The second question:
Often I have the feeling that I am not doing something I ought to be doing, or doing something I should not be doing; that something has to change and fast – a schooldays' worry that I am not going to make the grade, that I might be expelled.
This is how we all have been brought up. Our whole education – in the family, in the society, in the school, in the college, in the university – creates tension in us. And the fundamental tension is that you are not doing that which you ought to do.
Then it persists your whole life; it follows you like a nightmare, it goes on haunting you. It will never leave you at rest, it will never allow you to relax. If you relax, it will say, “What are you doing? You are not supposed to relax; you should be doing something.” If you are doing something it will say, “What are you doing? You need some rest, it is a must, otherwise you will drive yourself crazy – you are already on the verge.”
If you do something good, it will say, “You are a fool. Doing good is not going to pay, people will cheat you.” If you do something bad it will say, “What are you doing? You are preparing the way to go to hell, you will have to suffer for it.” It will never leave you at rest; whatsoever you do, it will be there condemning you.
This condemner has been implanted in you. This is the greatest calamity that has happened to humanity. And unless we get rid of this condemner inside us we cannot be truly human, we cannot be truly joyous and we cannot participate in the celebration that existence is.
And now nobody can drop it except you. And this is not only your problem, this is the problem of almost each and every human being. Whatsoever country you are born in, whatsoever religion you belong to, it doesn’t matter – Catholic, communist, Hindu, Mohammedan, Jaina, Buddhist; it does not matter to what kind of ideology you belong, the essential is the same. The essential is to create a split in you, so one part always condemns the other part. If you follow the first part then the second part starts condemning you. You are in an inner conflict, a civil war.