Osho,
For me, being here with you is as if I have arrived at the end of a long journey, no desire to be anywhere else. My heart should jump high and I should bliss out, but looking at myself, carrying this great gift of being with you, there seems to be only a great sense of calm. Happiness and sadness are always simultaneously in me and it is as if they cancel each other out. It seems as if my life flame burns constantly but low, and this worries me.

This question of whether I am living intensely enough or not is with me always and pulls my energy down even more. Please destroy it.

It is good that you feel calm and quiet, rather than ecstatic, excited, because every ecstasy, every excitement is bound to come down; it cannot remain high forever. It burns your energy and burns it intensely. But you don’t have an inexhaustible source; as an individual, in the body, all that you have is limited.

To be with me, silently and calmly, peacefully is the right way; you can afford it. Even with the limited sources of individual beings, a calm state of mind can remain forever.

I have seen both types of people coming to me. Those who come and become too much excited are soon exhausted, and when they are exhausted they are angry at me; when they are exhausted they turn into enemies rather than into friends. Obviously to them I am the cause for their breakdown and they cannot forgive me. Deep down in their mind they carry an idea that ecstasy was given to them and now it has been taken away.

I don’t give you anything and I don’t take anything away. Whatever happens in you simply happens in you; I am not more than a catalytic agent. So the best that can happen to you is a deep calmness. It is more reliable because it is going to last your whole life – maybe even beyond life.

You are getting mixed up in your question between this happening in my presence, with me, and your intensive living. Intensive living I teach to people just so that they can transcend their desires, their turmoil, quickly. If they live very miserly, as many live, then in this life there is no hope for them to experience transcendence.

Don’t mix that with your state, because your calmness is the beginning of transcendence. That’s why you are feeling that your happiness and sadness are happening together. It cannot happen – either you can be happy or you can be sad. You cannot be sadly happy, neither can you be happily sad. That would be a very strange situation!

What is happening is that your calmness is giving you this impression because in your calmness, you are feeling something that belongs to happiness and something that belongs to sadness. Sadness is not all wrong; happiness is not all right.

The essential part of happiness is a feeling of well-being; that you are feeling in your calmness, so you think you are happy. The essential part of sadness is silence; that you are feeling in your calmness. These both can exist together, in fact they can only exist together.