When I look at my life, it is richer and more fulfilled than I could have ever expected. I am filled with gratitude through all the love, understanding and sheer joy that being with you has brought me. Why then, Osho, do I think of death so longingly?
Devageet, there are many things which have to be understood before you can see the answer to your question arising within your own consciousness. There are questions I cannot answer, but I can manage a situation around you, around your question so that the answer arises within you. And only such answers are significant. It is a roundabout way. I could have said the answer directly, but then it wouldn’t be your answer. And I want every answer to be your own.
Just as the question is yours…it has an individuality, a certain beauty, a certain aliveness. It comes out of your heart, just as a flower comes out of the juices of the tree. It is not something imposed from outside. It is something that grows from the very roots up to the top.
Just as your question is yours, my whole effort here is that your answer should also be yours. So while I am answering you, this is the first thing to be understood: my answer is only a device to trigger your answer. I don’t want my answer to become your answer, which will be borrowed and dead.
Your question is very significant. It is not an ordinary question out of curiosity. Its significance also lies in its depth, in its existential meaningfulness. This question cannot be asked by each and everyone. Unless you have touched a certain depth within your being, only then is this question possible. Every question shows the heart of the questioner. Just by looking at your question, I can see what is happening within you. It must look very strange and absurd, because you are saying, “When I look at my life, it is richer and more fulfilled than I could have ever expected.”
This is the first thing to be remembered: whenever something beyond your expectations is fulfilled, you will always find a deep desire to die; because who knows, tomorrow may not bring the same contentment, the same joy, the same beauty, the same experience. It is better to die at this peak rather than in any despair, in sadness, in misery. Why not die in a moment of celebration? Why not make death also a celebration? But that is possible only when you are at the peak of fulfillment; it is not possible when you are in the valleys and in the darkness.
So whenever you feel fulfilled, contented, so contented that you could never have expected it, you will find arising in you a natural, very spontaneous desire: that this is the right moment to die – at the highest peak of your life. What more can there be? Why go on living? It is risky to live, because one can always lose this height. It is risky to live because one can become accustomed to this joy, this happiness; one may start taking it for granted; it may become just an ordinary thing. One may forget that it is extraordinary and happens only very rarely to very, very few human beings. You may not be aware of all these considerations. But these are the reasons why the desire to die at such a moment arises.