I have done or had everything of this world that I have ever wanted. I seem to have run out of ambition to achieve anything further. Even enlightenment appears to be a remote and impossible goal, outside the realm of my understanding.
I love to see you and to be with you and I love to sail. Apart from these, it feels like I am simply waiting and biding my time. There is nothing to do and nowhere to go. However I have a sense of sadness and a feeling of unfulfillment.
It is one of the most significant moments in the life of man, when he feels that he has run out of ambitions and is simply waiting, not knowing for what.
This is the moment when enlightenment is nearest.
Enlightenment is not a goal. It is not there, far away, that you have to reach to it. You cannot make an ambition of enlightenment: that is the sure way to miss it.
Enlightenment happens in this gap, when all your ambitions are finished, you don’t know what to do, where to go. In this silence – because there is no turmoil of desire, no hankering for ambition – enlightenment happens of its own accord. It is a by-product, not a goal.
And that’s why you are feeling sad, unfulfilled; although all the ambitions are finished…why should one feel unfulfilled? There must be something in life which is not part of the ambitious mind, without which one cannot feel fulfilled. You can fulfill all your desires, all your ambitions – still you will feel unfulfilled.
In fact you will feel unfulfilled more than those who are still running after desires, because at least for them there is hope that tomorrow they will reach the goal. Today may be empty, but the illusion, the hallucination of tomorrow keeps today in a certain way hidden from them. But now for you there is nothing which can hide your reality.
You are unfulfilled.
So one fundamental thing is very clear: that even if all the ambitions are fulfilled, man is not fulfilled. There is something which is not an ambition, and unless you achieve it – and it is not an achievement – unless it happens to you, the unfulfillment will make you sad.
This situation happens to very fortunate people; otherwise everybody is running after desires, and there are so many things in life to do. There is no time to feel unfulfillment, there is no time to feel sadness. The hope for tomorrow dispels all sadness.
But now you don’t have any hope for tomorrow. Only today is with you, and it is good that you are waiting, not knowing for what. If you are waiting knowingly for something, that is desire, then the mind is playing a game with you. If you are simply waiting, you have come to the end of the road. There is nowhere to go, what can you do except wait? But wait for what?
If you can answer, “I am waiting for this or that,” you will miss enlightenment. Then your waiting is not pure. Then it is not simply waiting. If you can be clear about it, that it is a pure waiting which is not addressed to anything, to any object, it is the right situation in which enlightenment happens.