When my father died ten years ago, he was my last reason for living. After this strong experience, I have felt more alone every day. When I met you it was like meeting my father again. But now, with you, I feel more and more alone.
Beloved Osho, what can I do? Is aloneness my way?
Aloneness is not only your way to truth, it is everybody’s way. It is the only way. Your whole approach from the very beginning has been wrong. First, life is a reason unto itself. The moment you make something else a reason for living, you have moved on a wrong path.
You are saying, “When my father died ten years ago, he was my last reason for living.” This is a very wrong approach, a wrong way of looking at things. Everybody’s father is going to die sooner or later. Your father’s father must have died…and still he lived.
You have not lived on your own, you have always needed somebody else to be your reason for living. That reason can disappear at any moment: the father will die, the mother will die, the wife can go with somebody else, the business can go bankrupt. If you make anything other than your own being a reason for living, you are insulting yourself, you are humiliating yourself – and this kind of humiliation is being supported; your father must have supported it.
Every father wants, and every mother wants their children to live for them. It is a strange demand: if it is to be fulfilled, then nobody can live in this world, you have to live for your father, and your father has to live for his father, but nobody can live for himself, and unless you live for yourself you cannot find any joy, any bliss. You have degraded your life; you have lost your dignity, your self-respect.
Your father had to live for himself and had to die for himself. You could not die for your father; how can you live for your father? And it is not insulting to your father that you have to live for yourself.
If parents were really understanding, they would help their children not to be dependent on them, not to get any kind of fixation – father fixation, mother fixation; all fixations are of a pathological mind. Only freedom, and living for oneself totally, is the sign of spiritual health.
Then you met me and you started the same old story again. Your father died and you had to live alone every day. Could you not find a friend? Could you not find a woman to love? Could you not create your own life, devoted to music or poetry or dance or painting? The father is not going to be with you forever…. And then, meeting me, you shifted your father fixation onto me – without even asking my permission. You had a gap and you thought you had found a father.